Soundtrack

My day with the boys has a certain rhythm and soundtrack to it. Sometimes it's a matter of me singing whatever comes into my head or bizarre ditty comes out of my mouth (said ditty is made up on the spot, typically.)

In the morning, I am too sleepy to talk or sing. To say, "Sam is not a morning person," barely scratches the surface. Usually by the time both boys are awake and changed and we're ready to have breakfast, the singing is ready to start.

Did you know that food tastes better when there's a song that goes with it? It's true. I haven't decided if they boys love sweet potatoes because of their innate deliciousness, the delightful texture, or because they really like the sweet potato song. The sweet potato song is actually, "Song of the South," by Alabama, but it has the line, "Sweet potato pie and I shut my mouth," in it, so I sing the song every time I feed the boys sweet potatoes. They'll stop fidgeting and looking all over the place, smile and really get down to the business of eating when I sing that for them. Works like a CHARM!

Some other food songs I will sing for them are the Johnny Appleseed song (title unknown) and my modified lyrics for "Spoonful of sugar." We have a spoonful of cereal instead. I'm working on songs for bananas, peas and beans. Any suggestions are welcome. Or for any other fruits and vegetables babies commonly eat.

Before they started moving, at some point during the day we would have "The Mommy Show" where Mama would sing, dance around and do all sorts of silly, entertaining things to keep the boys from crying. Now that they're more able to entertain themselves, they don't need nearly as much of this. Mommy Show staples included the Veggie Tales theme song with made up hand motions, Little Bunny Fu-fu, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, and whatever else happened to come out of my mouth at the time. Oh, the Hokey Pokey. That was always a good one. Interestingly, the boys are still quite fond of Little Bunny Fu-fu. I sang it to another baby I was visiting. That baby didn't stop fussing, but behind me, my boys had stopped what they were doing and paid rapt attention.

In the afternoon, we like show tunes. The Sound of Music, Hello Dolly, My Fair Lady, and bits of a few others will come up. I'm not sure that the boys are particularly in to show tunes, actually. They only sort of pay attention.

At bedtime, I've got a repertoire of about five songs, with a few extras to throw in if sleep just isn't prompt in its arrival. We usually start out with, "Come Thou Fount" which was the processional song at my wedding. It seems appropriate since I'm pretty sure they were conceived that night and it's one of my favorite songs. The rest of the order is pretty flexible. I sing an obscure Trisha Yearwood song called, "The Whisper of Your Heart" which is from her first album. There's "Amazing Grace" of course. One of my personal theme songs is Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Why Walk When You Can Fly" so naturally the boys are learning that at an early age. And finally, I'll sing, "Be Thou My Vision." Only one problem: I mix up the lines and I've gotten discouraged. Perhaps I should look up the lyrics!

So that's our current soundtrack to the day. I'll probably never know how much impact the songs have on them. But they do let me know when we have a winner. Any time I can find a magic "Oooooh, let's listen to Mama and stop fussing!" song, I get pretty excited.

Any suggestions? I'm always looking for good songs in my range (lowish alto) whose words I know. Good hymns would be especially appreciated.

Thoughts on Sleep

Tonight's big conundrum is whether to spike my milk with some tasty liqueur or eat ice cream. Choices, choices.

Thoughts on babies: I sure do love those boys. I wish that it were possible to make some sort of ergonomic memory foam chair or something that would perfectly support me so that I could hold a sleeping baby in my arms all night. Gazing on Zeke's resting face, so peaceful and secure both makes my heart swell with love and makes me incredibly sleepy. If I could bottle "Essence of Sleeping Zeke," no one would ever need to take sleeping pills again. With a small sip of his sweetness, peace and rest would wash over the most anxious soul, lulling them right to sleep. There have been plenty of mornings after long, sleep-deprived nights when I've gotten to hold Zeke or Zay as he took his morning nap and I was finally able to get a little sleep myself. Thankfully, they aren't nearly as needy at night anymore. Even though they wake me up every hour or two all night long, they typically only need a short amount of attention, instead of half an hour. Ugh. Those days were torture.

I remember one night when I'd been awake the whole night, with brief cat naps here and there, tending to the boys. When Matt finally got up to start his day, I was so incredibly angry. He was shocked. He hadn't spent the last few hours aware of my growing wrath that he was asleep and I was alone and unable to find a good way to keep both boys happy enough to sleep properly. That morning, I got a nap all by myself!

Maybe I'm not supposed to publicly mention my husband's sins. Theoretically, we had this agreement that since he left the house to work, I was the one who would take care of the boys at night. He bought me a really comfy recliner to keep in the nursery so that I could sleep and be close to them as needed, although I also, again theoretically, got to sleep in my bed as much as possible. It just turned out, it wasn't possible to sleep much before one baby or the other started crying.

Matt did help take care of the boys in the evenings when he came home from work. He'd either take a baby or two or he'd make dinner. Either one was fine with me. And on Wednesdays, he'd take them out to Applebee's while he met up with friends and I did whatever I wanted for two hours with no baby attached to me. It's hard to know if I had more help when Matt was here, or more now. Since he's been gone, I've had a whole massive amount of responsibilities added to my plate, both things that he was managing and things that his absence has created for me to do. I've also had a lot of help with childcare and stuff around the house. I would be a quivering, whimpering pile of jelly were it not for the massive amount of help I've received. And that's the truth.

Choo choo

Stream of consciousness time! A very Train sort of moment.

Babies: Sleeping, at last, thankfully. Today was a hard day for me personally, not because of anything the babies did. They were just fine. I'm dealing with my own inner turmoil. Tonight at dinner time, Zay was very quiet, off in his own little world, which is very unusual. Zeke is my "too busy thinking to be bothered by your agenda" baby. I was all worried that my own stress and yuck was coming out and being mirrored by my darling happy baby. His silliness is part of what keeps me smiling and laughing. I couldn't take having that removed because I was too angsty. What's a Mama to do? Suck it up and be as silly as possible to provoke silliness from her baby.

In Christian circles, I've heard the expression, "Fake it til you make it," which is supposed to mean that if you don't feel really spiritual or connected to God, just act like you do and eventually the feelings will come. Sounds like great advice, doesn't it? I don't know if it really works so well. Maybe what they really mean to say is that feelings are deceptive and you have to persevere in seeking a relationship with God. Or maybe they mean, "Shut up and get along. Don't spoil our spiritual-looking little shindig." Suppose it depends on who's talking.

I do know that sometimes you need to put yourself in a position to be happy and practice it for a while, even when your feelings don't match. I'm not saying pretend like everything is JUST GREAT! while you're actually suffering. More that happiness is a little like being in good physical shape, it takes consistent exercise. When you first start after not being happy for a long time, the activity can really hurt. You have to keep at it, keep trying. And if you've suffered some kind of injury, be kind to yourself as you start back up. Happiness can be hard work, it's okay to ease slowly into it.

That was all made up by me and doesn't have any Biblical or scientific references, so don't take me too seriously. :)

The point is, even if I'm in a bad mood and really just want to be a big grump, my kids deserve a better Mama than that. When I can't think of anything to say, yet I know they need some kind of verbal interaction, I sing to them. Thankfully there's a lot of music in my head. It's funny how they respond. It calms down their fussiness quite often. And singing distracts me from whatever gloomy cloud had garnered my attention as I can refocus on the beautiful, happy children in front of me. The boys are more than willing to share their happiness with me and I have no desire to burden them with any grief.

One Baby

Today was an absolute first. I left the house with only one baby, my little Zeke. Zeke has a hemangioma (kinda birthmark, but still growing and deeper than a birthmark) sort of thing on his shoulder and we had a doctor's appointment to start treatment on it. So we two spent five hours hanging out, just the two of us.

It was so fun to see him on his own, apart from Zay, to be able to focus on one child completely. I realized how divided my attention is, how I so often am looking at them in a compare and contrast sort of way, instead of just looking and seeing them.

Today I saw that Zeke actually loves attention from strangers as much as his brother does. He is just a lot less dramatic in his engagement style. Instead everyone commented on his sweetness. It's true. Zay makes me laugh with delight and humor at his silly antics. Zeke melts me with his sweet, soulful gazes and his infectious and sometimes inexplicable giggle. Zeke laughs for the joy in his little heart more often than for some obvious stimulus.

It's such a privilege to get to raise these little boys, to watch them develop. I love seeing their personalities emerge. I keep finding more and more depth to them. Turns out, they're not simple creatures. They are complete, though immature, humans growing into their full selves day by day. Even at 8 months old, they show hints of who they will be as adults. It's so much fun to speculate. More than anything, I just keep praying for the wisdom to guide them well and to be a good example for them.

Seriously, God gives us children to teach us how to grow up! Suddenly, when you're responsible for another human life, you start thinking about what your life is teaching. It better be something worth learning. My theme verse for parenting is 2 Cor 12:9, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Oh, the train just rolled out of the station. Toodle-loo!

A captured moment

I'm stealing a tiny moment to write and not caring about any error sor imperfections, just getting it down.

Today the boys are totally activating the reward center of my brain, being adorable and bonded and interactive. They're so close to crawling, which delights and terrifies me. The house isn't remotely ready for crawling babies, especially not TWO!

Zeke was clapping today! He didn't get any noise out, but he did put his hands together repeatedly on purpose. Zay is getting close to crawling. When he puts his head down, he can lift his tummy up. Soon enough, he'll be able to get his head AND tummy up at the same time.

It's hard being a single mama, especially because I'm not quite single. I'm married and don't want to be separated. I've got lots of in-home help with the boys, which is a blessing, of course, but it's also strange. It's not just me raising the boys, it's the whole village. Maybe they're getting the best possilbe situation. They're not stuck with just my perspective, my flaws and crazy notions about child-rearing. They get balance. I get a break from the constant demands of my boys. I also get competition for their darling attention. Everything is a trade-off.

Sometimes I think it's not fair that I get so much happiness from being with the boys and Matt is so deprived of it. He gets visits, but it's not the same. The time is so fragmented. He doesn't get the little moments, or to see them in their natural element where they can crawl on the floor, grab the dog, lay outside and look at the trees. He doesn't get to introduce them to grass and then keep pulling the grass out of their mouths. I can't change that fact, just grieve it.

Firing up the Engine

For a long time now, I've been thinking about doing a blog on my experiences of a twin pregnancy and the ensuing life changes it has brought. Then I'd get distracted. My train of thoughts would just chug away. Now, I'm trying to rein in all those fleeting, profound thoughts and keep track of them for posterity. Experienced moms tell me that all the stuff that seemed so huge and unforgettable disappears in the haze of sleepless nights.

Being pregnant has inspired so much creativity. I've had lots of story ideas, bizarre dreams, impulses to bake up a storm, nest, redo my entire house (or rather, convert the house from being my husband's bachelor pad to being OUR home) and just lots of thought that in my narcissism seem worth preserving and examining further.

Ah, narcissism. I prefer to think that I'm following in Mary's footsteps, "Mary treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19) Mary did a lot of treasuring and pondering. It's too bad we don't have any writings from Mary--I'd sure like to know what conclusions she may have ultimately reached about her son and all her experiences with him.

Back to the point of this blog. At this moment, I think the point is to record the various happenings with my twins, my pregnancy and all the important little revelations that come from motherhood, along with having a forum for dialogue. I have so many questions! How on earth do you care for two babies at once??? What kind of stroller should I get? Can I carry two babies at once in those wrap-things? How soon will my yucky pregnancy acne clear up?

So there's a sample of thoughts on the train. If anyone out in the blogosphere has answers, please let me know!