Babies: Sleeping, at last, thankfully. Today was a hard day for me personally, not because of anything the babies did. They were just fine. I'm dealing with my own inner turmoil. Tonight at dinner time, Zay was very quiet, off in his own little world, which is very unusual. Zeke is my "too busy thinking to be bothered by your agenda" baby. I was all worried that my own stress and yuck was coming out and being mirrored by my darling happy baby. His silliness is part of what keeps me smiling and laughing. I couldn't take having that removed because I was too angsty. What's a Mama to do? Suck it up and be as silly as possible to provoke silliness from her baby.
In Christian circles, I've heard the expression, "Fake it til you make it," which is supposed to mean that if you don't feel really spiritual or connected to God, just act like you do and eventually the feelings will come. Sounds like great advice, doesn't it? I don't know if it really works so well. Maybe what they really mean to say is that feelings are deceptive and you have to persevere in seeking a relationship with God. Or maybe they mean, "Shut up and get along. Don't spoil our spiritual-looking little shindig." Suppose it depends on who's talking.
I do know that sometimes you need to put yourself in a position to be happy and practice it for a while, even when your feelings don't match. I'm not saying pretend like everything is JUST GREAT! while you're actually suffering. More that happiness is a little like being in good physical shape, it takes consistent exercise. When you first start after not being happy for a long time, the activity can really hurt. You have to keep at it, keep trying. And if you've suffered some kind of injury, be kind to yourself as you start back up. Happiness can be hard work, it's okay to ease slowly into it.
That was all made up by me and doesn't have any Biblical or scientific references, so don't take me too seriously. :)
The point is, even if I'm in a bad mood and really just want to be a big grump, my kids deserve a better Mama than that. When I can't think of anything to say, yet I know they need some kind of verbal interaction, I sing to them. Thankfully there's a lot of music in my head. It's funny how they respond. It calms down their fussiness quite often. And singing distracts me from whatever gloomy cloud had garnered my attention as I can refocus on the beautiful, happy children in front of me. The boys are more than willing to share their happiness with me and I have no desire to burden them with any grief.
i had tried to post a comment earlier this morning but then my computer froze. not sure if this will be as brilliant, but i'll try:)
ReplyDeletethe whole "faking it until you feel it" seems rather unbiblical to me...and a thought that is so encouraged in christian circles. if your "faking it", aren't you being deceptive? (not that i'm saying *you* are...honest!) and if you are "faking it" in the presence of God, are you being blatantly dishonest before Almighty God?
hmmm, probably not at all what your post was about, but...it's okay to "not feel it". it's okay to be open and vulnerable with those around you, especially your Heavenly Father. to say, "i'm not feeling "it" right now. at all. but i'll sit in Your presence and give my emptiness to You."
some people may not be able to handle that. it's their loss. but God can handle it.
besides, He says that He is near to the broken hearted, not to the white washed tomb. and in that admitted brokenness, He can minister and heal.
and now, i will step off my soap box. maybe if i'm so passionate about this i should blog about it.
i love you, sam. and i'm praying for you and yours like crazy. wish that i was closer so that i could do more than type with you. though, reading your words is a pretty good second:)
can i link to this site?
Kimberley, I was actually being a little facetious about the faking it 'til you make it bit. Totally agree that it's not theologically sound and that it's okay not to feel it. What I do think has value is practicing. Sort of like when you pray and it feels like the wall is listening more closely than God is, but you should still keep praying.
ReplyDeleteYes, do blog about it! Have at it! I'd love to read what you write. :) And feel free to link to me.
i was pretty sure you were, but that whole line of thinking makes my blood boil just a tad. sorry that i boiled over in my comments:)
ReplyDelete